How to Revise an HMXP Thesis

Original thesis:

Although some psychologists would argue that homosexuality is completely genetic and that homosexuals are born that way, I will argue that sexual-orientation is a combination of genetics and environment and that homosexuals can change; my challenge to this argument is because of the change I have seen in an uncle who left the gay lifestyle.

Revised thesis:

Although some psychologists would argue that my uncle's homosexuality is completely genetic and that he did not really change, I will use his situation/example/transformation to argue that homosexuals can change because his sexual orientation, as Ridley argues, is a combination of genetics and environment.

Notes:

• Do not bury the focused topic in the "because" clause:  a focus is not an argument; an argument is an idea about a focus.
• All three parts of the thesis should ideally be about the focused topic.
• The textual connection must be present in the thesis.  Mention an author from our anthology.
• When you write your introductory par., be sure to introduce the focused topic and the textual connection BEFORE the thesis.  Both must also be IN the thesis.
• "Some psychologists" is paper jargon unless, in the body of the paper, the author refers to specific psychologists who argue for nature, not nurture.

Here are some other good thesis statements and how to get there:

Area of inquiry: Consumerism in America.

Topic: Consumerism in my experience.

Focused topic: One experience of consumerism in my own life--namely, getting new dresses for Easter Sunday.

Question at issue: Does getting a new dress each Easter mean that I subscribe to consumerism as a religion? Moreover, what happens when Christianity and consumerism intersect?

Thesis: Although Swimme might see me as polluting Christianity with consumerism, I will use my experience of getting new dresses for Easter to argue that I am not guilty of the "religion of consumerism" because dressing nicely on church holidays does not participate in the cycle of dissatisfaction.

Area of inquiry: Consumerism inAmerica.

Topic: Consumerism in my experience.

Focused topic: My possible addiction to Applie iPods.

Question at issue: Does having to buy each new version of the iPod mean that I subscribe to consumerism as a religion?

Thesis: Although my purchasing of Apple products does not necessarily constitute "religious" adherence, I will use my various iPods to argue that I am guilty to some degree of addiction to consumerism because I experience the dissatisfaction that Swimme discusses.